Our attitude towards our emotions is pivotal in the context of preparing the way for God's deeper healing of us. A healthy attitude towards our emotions is marked by a truthfulness, and an acknowledgement of them. Can we accept their existence? Can we begin to name them? Can we make friends with our emotions rather than view them as this nuisance value in our lives?

It is simply not true that we need to feel shameful about any part of our wounded, broken selves, whether it be our vulnerability, our needs or particular emotions that we have, over time, learned to experience as shameful. God asks us to let go of any distorted, non-loving attitude toward ourselves. Paul (Romans 5:20) encourages us to contextualise our weakness in our faith, and regard our growing awareness of them as an opportunity to experience God's grace and power in our lives.    

Whenever we buy into our shame, and respond in daily life in ways that give the impression that we indeed believe ourselves to be shameful, the shame that we carry is reinforced and exacerbated. Identifying the shame, acknowledging and accepting its presence in our life at this juncture in our growth is necessary. However, being controlled by it as though it were the truth about us hampers our healing process.  

It is possible that as we remind ourselves of the truth (that we are not shameful beings), and experience the release of the stranglehold that shame has had on us, it will be accompanied by tears of sadness. This experience of an outpouring of sadness can be triggered by someone, or an experience, reminding us of our goodness. It is worthwhile staying with that emotion. It is a moment of truth: "It is truly sad that I have been carrying shame for so many years."

The ultimate truth is that regardless of what we have done or not done, intentionally or unintentionally, we are unconditionally loved by God. The presence of shame distorts this fundamental truth.

We can't wait until we are perfect before we give ourselves permission to let go of the last drops of shame that infect us. We need to work with God towards its healing. If one of the healthy attitudes towards all our other emotions is that we feel our feelings, stay with them at times, or be in our emotions, shame is an exception to this. It is of no help to allow the experience of shame to linger for any length of time. A healthy amount of self-talk is necessary at these times reminding us of the truth.  

An obstacle that stands in the way of God's grace reaching our shame is pride: "I pride myself on presenting as altogether, without weakness or vulnerability. I am overly invested in my presenting self, my ego. I am ashamed of my brokenness and imperfection, and experience a deep sense of shame when others become aware of its manifestations." 

Can we take our shame to God, knowing and believing that his healing extends to our shame, rather than us revert back to keeping it at bay by continuing with our co-dependent ways of being, seldom being true to ourselves, but opting for keeping others happy? 

Shame is an emotion that has infiltrated our inner being and is now unwelcome in its falsehood. It is not true that we are shameful. I can't imagine the God that I have got to know uttering the words, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." Yes, sadly, people say these words to one another. We can be quite adept at shaming one another, but let's not project that onto God. God does not want us to carry shame. It is His desire to heal our shame. He wants us to let it go. 

As we move towards a loving self-acceptance, and endeavour to be more authentically "me" (the person that God created me to be, not the adaptive, accommodating me), the presence of shame will resist this process. Shame can become so entwined in the very fabric of who we are that being free of it can feel like an impossible task. Much of our adaptive patterns of behaviour have come to be as a way of keeping our shame at bay and preventing others from knowing the shame that we experience about ourselves. Being different, changing our ways of relating, and experiencing the accompany feeling of shame at times, is a difficult part of the initial movements towards self.  

Shame

One of the primary obstacles to a healthy loving attitude to self and a growth in self-love is the presence of shame within us. Shame is that emotion that comes to be when, in our formative years, our true self, with all its natural emotions and needs, met with disapproval, criticism and rejection. Shame is the inner response of the child to the experience of emotional abandonment (that is, significant others withdrawing or detaching from us when they don't like aspects of our true selves).The child internalises the experience of disapproval and abandonment as a comment on himself. He experiences himself as not good enough to be regarded unconditionally. His potential experience of his basic goodness is replaced by the experience of shame toward self.

Loving ourselves in our brokenness

Our personal healing is characterised by a diminishing of the dominance of the the false self (the ego), and an increased consciousness of the true self. We become more aware of our blind spots and dare to allow others to know us more. 

As growth and healing occurs over time, the love emanating from the true self flows into our whole being. We love and regard ourselves and all that we have been in our efforts to live a good Christian life, as well as our past patterns of relating that were governed by a mistrust as to whether others (and God) would accept us in our brokenness. We also love and accept ourselves as our blind spots are revealed to us. We love and regard the increased consciousness of the emerging self in its woundedness and concomitant emotions, as well as its beauty. 

Radical Self-acceptance

The growth and healing process is characterised by our becoming more acquainted with ourselves, growing in self-knowledge and awareness of our inner world: "Can I lovingly accept that person that I begin to know more intimately; the 'me' that has been trying his best to lead a good life, but whose woundedness has brought about behavioural habits that, try as I will, I have not been able to eradicate by my efforts alone? Not only is there a need for an acceptance of whom I have been up until this point in my life, but also for an acceptance of what now emerges from within - aspects of myself that now become conscious to me."

The journey takes us into the unfamiliar and the unknown, the experience of dispositions and emotional states that we might have never known before. For example, we will experience a vulnerability that can bring about intense feelings for fear at times. In all this, can we begin each day renewing both our "yes" to God and to ourselves.